it's a constant state
by musapan
Summary: Rin calls Rei at 4am. It isn't the first time, and it's probably not the last.
1. Chapter 1

The unmistakable sound of Rei's cell phone pierces the ringing silence of his bedroom. The screen light illuminates his bedside table, which helps him to locate it quickly and without too much fuss, despite the fact that he's just been pulled from a very comfortable sleep.

Rei squints at the phone as he holds it close enough to see the caller. His face screws up in surprise and possibly a little bit of annoyance.

"Mmn… Hello?"

"Shit," Rin's voice sounds, his voice lower than usual, probably in an attempt to not disturb his roommate. "I woke you up, huh?"

Rei glares at the clock on his bedside table, red digital numbers blaring 3:47am. He almost _wishes _Rin could see the disapproving look on his face. Yes, that would certainly get the message across much better than his slurred words and slowed brain function currently could.

"I'll let you _think _on your question for just a moment," Rei says in an attempt at sarcasm, but he yawns instead and ruins it.

"Yeah yeah, sorry," Rin sighs on the other end. Rei listens a little harder, realizing how strange it truly is for Rin - or _anyone _for that matter - to be calling so ridiculously late. As his mind starts the slow shift from sleeping to awake, the possibilities dawn on Rei with a little more urgency.

"Is everything alright, Rin-san?" Rei asks, his voice more clear, as he rubs sleep from his eyes and sits up in bed.

Another sigh, and then silence. Rei is almost sure he can hear Rin's fingers drumming on a hard surface - he must be sitting at his desk, Rei realizes - and he waits patiently for a reply.

"I shouldn't have called you so late. This was fucking dumb-"

"Rin-san, _please _don't tell me you called me at almost four in the morning to decide that you don't want to talk about something." Rei chides, and he hears an annoyed groan in reply, which soothes his nerves only slightly, because Rin is feeling well enough to sass back.

Rei breathes in and out, steadily. "Is it… That _thing_, again?" he asks.

"Oh Christ, we're calling it the _thing_ now? Like a code word or some shit?" Rin moans incredulously, and Rei flushes.

"Well, how _else _am I supposed to refer to it?" Rei says, rolling his eyes although he knows the gesture is wasted. "_Fine_, how is your _disquietude_? Are you feeling abnormally stressed? On a scale from one to ten, where are you currently ranking your anxiety-"

"Alright fine, god dammit! I get it. Yeah, that's why I'm calling, okay?" Rin exclaims, his voice losing its volume in fear of rousing his bunkmate. He sighs again. "Just… Talk me down, okay? You're good at that."

Rei can't help but feel a small swell of pride at that, but it doesn't last long before he's reminded of how this arrangement came to be.

Four months back, Rin had caught him in the middle of an anxiety attack in the locker room after a joint practice at Samezuka. Rei had been _trying _to keep it from everyone by waiting patiently for them to leave the lockers under the pretense of searching for his wallet and saying lots of things along the line of 'Go on without me, I'll catch up, I'll only be a minute, really'. It had been bubbling all evening, blossoming into a tremor in his left arm that had compromised his practice.

Rin had noticed the signs when no one else had, and the two of them had talked at length about their anxiety disorders at a nearby coffee shop. It had been a large comfort to the both of them, and had helped clear the way for a stronger friendship between them.

Their disorders are very different. Rei has almost scheduled breakdowns throughout the year, almost always stemming from the need to perform well on tests or experiencing personal failures. The more stressed he gets, the more manic he becomes. Rin's anxieties lay heavily in his emotions, and are often triggered by things he can't explain or identify. Unlike Rei, Rin withdraws completely when he's at his limit. Still, the two of them understand this part of each other that none of their other friends can get close to, not even Makoto in all of his kindness and warmth.

"Are you feeling an anxiety attack coming on?" Rei asks worriedly. Now that the reason for the call has been outed, the tension has been lifted and the conversation moves with much more fluidity, which Rei is grateful for.

"Ehh," Rin starts, and Rei can hear him shifting position and the creaking of a chair, "it's not as bad as the last one. But yeah, I guess. I was trying to fuckin' ignore it, but my chest started hurting real bad. I didn't even look at the time, I just called."

"That's okay," Rei assures. "But… How did you _not _know what time it was? Are you up _studying _this late?" he asks in wonderment. He really has no right to chastise anyone for this sort of behavior considering how many all-nighters he's pulled in his day, but Rin usually doesn't need to stay up all night with his nose in a textbook in order to pass a test.

"Don't get pissed or anything, there's _no way_ you haven't pulled this kind of shit before," Rin accuses, startling Rei with his eerily accurate assumption and timing, "but yeah, I'm studying."

"What for? Samezuka's exams shouldn't be coming up for another couple of-"

"I'm not studying to _study_, you dolt. I'm just trying to get my mind off of shit and playing stupid games on my phone just wasn't doing the trick."

"Ah… Right," Rei says, reminded suddenly that studying is not the cause of _everyone's_ stress. "Sorry."

Rin laughs, which is a good sign, but his voice is noticeably more shaky than it was a moment ago. "Oh my god, don't apologize for shit like that." He's still chuckling, but Rei knows that Rin sometimes laughs to mask the fact that he doesn't want to.

Rei grabs his glasses and carefully puts them on, just for the sake of being able to see his room more clearly.

"What were you thinking about? I mean, when it started happening?" Rei asks boldly. He knows that talking through it helps, even if asking such imposing questions is awkward.

"I don't know," Rin answers, not dodging the question like Rei half-expected him to. "I guess I was just thinking about everything. My future and shit. It all just got a little intimidating, maybe."

"Ah." Rei knows that Rin's future is incredibly important to him, but becoming an olympic swimmer is something only a handful of people working towards are going to achieve. It's really all Rin has, when it comes down to it, and so Rei more than understands his unease.

"Let's talk about something else, though," Rin inserts with a shaky sigh. "How's Nagisa?"

Rei snorts. "You just saw him the other day, you know he's fine as always. His normal self."

"Naw, I mean, how is he with _you_. You and him. _Together_," Rin says the last word in English, dragging the syllables out mischievously, and he's successful in making Rei blush.

"If you're expecting me to talk about my _personal_, _private-_"

"I _am _expecting that, because you're trying to talk me down, remember? Entertain me." Rin says with a laugh.

Rei sighs defeatedly, and adjusts his glasses out of habit. "We're quite fine, thank you very much. Nothing of note to report."

"Seriously? That's it? No explosion of love or drama or anything like that? _Boring_."

There _have _been developments in their relationship, certainly, but nothing that he could bring himself to talk about, even with a good friend. Rei simply isn't wired that way. It's much too private.

"How about Ai-kun? How has he been?"

"Ai's fine. He got knocked out with a cold recently, but he's back on track now. He's really improving this year. His times are getting better, and he's really focused. I think it helps that he grew a couple of inches. His shoulders are getting wider, too. He's got a much more powerful pull."

Rei can't ignore the pride in Rin's voice, and he smiles softly. "You know… I'm sure Ai-kun would be more than understanding about all of this. Have you ever tried talking to him about it?"

A short silence. "Yeah," Rin finally says. "I mean, he _is _understanding and shit. Maybe like, _too _understanding. It's just like, his brand of comfort is great but it's not always what I need. It makes me feel kinda…" Rin trails off, either because he doesn't know how to finish or he doesn't want to say.

"Weak." Rei ventures, because he knows the feeling.

"Yeah."

"Well, you _aren't_ weak. Remember that." Rei says, but he isn't sure if he's more talking to Rin or himself.

"Yeah, I know, I know." Rin drawls, but Rei knows he's grateful for it anyway.

There is a silence that follows, but it's comfortable and necessary. Rei hears Rin take a steady breath.

"How are you right now? On the scale from one to ten?" Rei asks, genuinely curious.

Rin sucks in breath and appears to hold it for several seconds. He lets it out loudly into the phone. "Five, I think."

"What were you before?"

"Probably eight." Rin answers. The scale was the easiest way for the two of them to relate their anxieties, both because Rin doesn't like to talk too much about _feelings, _and numbers are involved and Rei _thrives _on numbers and scales and charts.

"I'm glad it's going down, but I really _do _think that getting it properly diagnosed-"

"I've said it before, I'm not interested in going to a doctor or taking pills or anything like that," Rin responds grumpily.

This is a big difference between the two of them, and Rei knows that. Rei has no problem asking for help when he needs it, but Rin is ever-determined to take things on alone. His pride is his achilles heel and his closest comfort, and Rei is positive that Rin doesn't want to admit he can't tackle things by himself.

"And _I've_ said it before, medication can help. Solanax isn't a crutch for me, it just lessens the burden when it all becomes too much. Not a single one of us would think less of you, least of all me."

"Shit, I know that," Rin groans. "I just- _Auughh_," He sniffs, and sighs. "I'll _think _about it, okay?"

"That's all I ask."

"Nagisa's right, you nag like crazy," Rin says, his voice smiling. Rei flushes indignantly.

"I do _not _nag! Just because I happen to be rather sensible about some things and think things through to every possible conclusion doesn't mean I'm nagging, it's just how I am! And Nagisa-kun is _incredibly _reckless, and without my constant vigilance I'm sure he would get into all kinds of trouble, so taking his word for it is really never a good idea. _Plus-_"

"Oh my _god_, Rei-"

"_PLUS_, being worried about perfectly reasonable things is normal! It would be unusual of me to _not _worry about certain things, both as a teammate and a friend _and _a respectable person, and furthermore-"

"I'm not strictly speaking a teammate," Rin points out amusingly.

"I disagree!" Rei exclaims, already too far integrated into his rant to respond dispassionately. "I consider you just as much a member of our team as any of the others, Rin-san! Haruka-sempai, Makoto-sempai and Nagisa-kun would all attest to that as well!"

The sound that comes from the other end of the phone is something between a gulp and a gasp, but it's enough to make Rei realize what he's said and shut his mouth faster than he ever has before. For an uncomfortable moment Rei thinks that he's overstepped his bounds.

"Two." Rin says, his voice significantly more quiet.

"Wh-what?" Rei squeaks, because he knows what Rin means but he's surprised all the same.

"Two, now." Rin repeats. He exhales a breath that sounds almost relieved. "Thanks, for, you know, everything I guess," he continues, and Rei can distinctly feel his ears burning with embarrassment. Regardless, he smiles.

"It isn't a problem."

"Shit, dude, don't get all gooey on me."

"_M-me_?" Rei replies shrilly. "_You _were the one that _technically-_"

"Rei, god dammit, don't spoil it." Rin groans, and Rei can't stifle a laugh.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come _oooo_n." Rin's words are whiny and dragged out, his arms crossed and his expression appropriately irritated. "You've been in there for like an _hour_."

"Fifteen minutes hardly equates to an hour, no matter how long it might feel," Rei responds haughtily from the bathroom.

"What are you even _doing _in there?" Rin demands, tossing his head back and staring at the ceiling of Rei's room.

"Is that _really _any of your concern, Rin-san?"

"Kinda, because I'm fucking _here_, and you're taking forever."

"I'll take this moment to remind you that you showed up without texting first. I had thought I was going to be heading there by myself." Rei's voice is strained, like he's focusing hard on something, and then Rin hears the _snip _of scissors.

"Are- Are you? Oh my god, are you giving yourself a fucking _haircut _in there?" Rin exclaims, laughing and sliding a hand down his face.

"A trim!" Rei responds shrilly. "Stop distracting me!"

"They had a word for that in Australia. _Metrosexual_. You are metrosexual as fuck, Rei."

Rei groans in exacerbation. "What does that mean?"

"It means you worry about your appearance like a girl," Rin says with a sigh, plopping down at the head of Rei's bed and skimming his books. "And you're obsessed with hygiene and that kind of thing."

The sound of metal clinking on ceramic echos from the bathroom, the faucet runs, and Rei finally opens the door, his hand busily brushing through his fringe. "I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping up one's appearance," he says indignantly. "Beauty is very important in women _and _men."

"I know, I know," Rin waves his hand at Rei dismissively as he looks over his books. "It isn't a bad thing. I just let my hair do whatever, and it ends up looking crazy unless I just tie it back."

"I disagree," Rei says importantly, assuming a proper _megane _position, fingers resting against his red frames. "Your hair has a very natural order of _dis_order, which can be very rugged and beautiful in its own way. I read an article about the rugged, tousled look on men, and in a survey, most women preferred that look over others."

Rin turns to look at Rei with a quirked brow. "Really?" He grimaces suddenly. "The hell kind of magazines are you _reading_?"

"Why are you even here anyway, Rin-san? Not to be rude, but my house isn't exactly _on the way_-"

"Those," Rin points without looking at a small pile of books that he's laid on Rei's glass coffee table. "I brought them back."

"Oh," Rei picks them up, sifting through them. They look immaculate, not even a bent page. Loaning something to Nagisa is always a gamble, and he usually has things returned to him a little worse for wear or a little bit sticky, but he sometimes forgets that Rin is almost as tidy as he is. Rin's personality mirrors this behavior. "Thank you. But, couldn't you have just brought them with you? You could have given them to me at the cafe."

"I wanted to borrow some new ones." Rin says, pulling out a book to glance at the cover and then sliding it back into place. "That's okay, right?"

"Of course," Rei smiles and sets the books back down on the table. He'll put them back in their rightful places later, when he gets home.

Rin pulls out two books and stacks them next to his hip, looking for a third. "Why isn't Nagisa here? I figured you guys would have been going together."

"He'll be running late. He's coming straight from a shopping errand with his parents, so he's on the other end of town."

"Aww," Rin says in mock-pity, "So if I hadn't shown up out of the blue, you would have gone all by your onesie?"

Rei huffs. "Being alone for one train ride is hardly anything to concern myself with." He watches Rin pull another book out of the shelf, and finally he stands up, books tucked under his arm.

"Let's go. Yo, you have a bag I can put these in?"

.

.

.

The train arrives a little later than expected, but as they're already running early, it isn't a problem. Rei blows hot breath into his gloved hands, rubbing them together. Rin is tapping on his cell phone when the train finally pulls up, and the men shuffle aboard and find a vacant spot to sit, which isn't difficult as the train isn't carrying many occupants.

Rin is still typing out a message, gloves in his teeth. "Aren't your hands cold?" Rei asks, frowning. Rin shrugs.

"I can't type with my gloves on." he mutters through gritted teeth. He pauses, and finally slips his phone in his pocket and replaces his gloves on his hands. "It was Haru. They're gonna be late."

"They, meaning Makoto-sempai as well?"

"Yeah." Rin sighs. "Assholes need to learn to be on time."

"Makoto-sempai is usually very punctual. Something probably held them up." Rei reasons, leaning back in his seat.

"Oh, I'm sure. They probably just got _distracted_." Rin has a peculiar way of making perfectly normal words sound dirty, and this never ceases to amaze and horrify Rei's careful sensibilities.

"You mean you think…?"

"I don't think, I _know_," Rin says with a jagged grin. "Those two are always at it. It's obvious."

Rei's face is very near the color of the blood pumping underneath it. "I try not to think about it!" he says in a hushed voice. Rin stares at him peevishly.

"Does it like, offend you? What they get up to?"

"What! No!" Rei answers, adjusting his glasses distractedly. "That's not it. I mean, Nagisa-kun and I…" He clears his throat and ignores Rin's re-emerging grin. "I'm just not used to discussing things of that nature so freely, yet. I'm working on it."

"That's cool," Rin shrugs, feeling a buzzing in his pocket and pulling out his phone again, glancing at the text and then stuffing it back in his pocket. "I figure being with Nagisa, you're adapting real quick, though. That boy doesn't have a filter."

Rei chuckles, fondly. "No, he does not."

"Speaking of filters," Rin starts, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees, "I've got a question."

"Go ahead."

"So, who were your friends before you met those guys?" Rin asks. "I'm just curious."

Rei smiles. "Are you asking because it appears as though you all are the only friends I've got?" he asks.

"No, dude, that's not what I-"

"Well, it's true," Rei says, and Rin clamps his mouth shut faster than he can swim the 100m free racing against Haruka. "I thought you knew?" Rei adds, noting the concerned look on the redhead's face.

"Knew what?"

"How anti-social I was before Nagisa-kun badgered me into joining the swim club." Rei chuckles. "I had acquaintances of course, people to swap ideas with or talk to on occasion, but 'friendship' and 'teamwork' weren't really my thing. I couldn't see the point."

Rin groans exaggeratingly. "But then friggin' Nagisa, with his boundless energy and charisma and his puppy-dog eyes pulls you in, and suddenly you're discovering the meaning of friendship, huh? God dammit, it sounds like something out of a shoujo manga." He laughs. Rei drives his shoulder into Rin's, knocking him off balance.

"Shut up!" he exclaims hotly, but he's withholding a giggle. It did seem ridiculous, but he knew that Rin was speaking ironically. If anyone had had a soul-crushing journey to discovering the meaning of friendship and teamwork, it was Rin.

"Naw, though," Rin says when he's stopped laughing, "I kinda figured that. I just didn't think you'd be so cool talking about it."

"There's no reason to find that sort of question offensive. I lived that way for so long, I didn't see anything wrong with it."

"I can relate to an extent," Rin exhales loudly. "When I was a kid I was always somehow the center of attention, and really social. I guess I didn't make any real long-lasting bonds until I met those guys, but still, I feel like I was always surrounded by people. And well, you know what happened in Australia, so I kind of fucked that up for myself."

Rei nods somberly. It reminded him of their very similar (but at the same time very different) anxiety disorders. Rin's isolation had been the product of turbulent emotions and chaotic thinking, whereas Rei's was caused by his need to push himself academically.

"Hey, sorry to dampen the mood, or whatever."

"You didn't," Rei assures hastily.

The train finds their stop, and the men exit back into the biting cold. Rin noticeably chatters his teeth as they set off in the direction of the shopping district where they're meeting everyone.

"Those guys better not make us wait out in the cold for too long," Rin says grumpily, pulling his coat more tightly around himself. "I'm super _one-hundred percent_ sure that I will flip my shit if they do."

The temperature had definitely decreased since they'd first boarded the train. Rei flashes Rin a look of pity. "It must be especially hard on you, Rin-san. It's never cold in Australia, right?"

"Never _ever_," Rin shakes his head. "Not where I was staying, anyway. But my school was up North. It was pretty tropical."

When they arrive at the cafe, Nagisa is waving his arms at them from a nearby bench, bundled up in a pink and cream-colored coat and a rainbow scarf.

"Rei-chan! Rin-chan!" He runs to meet them, his cheeks and ears pink. "I can't believe I was the first one here! I thought I was gonna be late!"

"Nagisa-kun, you didn't wear a hat?" Rei chides, placing his gloved hands over Nagisa's ears in an attempt to warm them. Nagisa smiles impishly.

"I forgot," he admits.

"Why did we even decide to _do _this on such a cold fucking day, anyway?" Rin asks no one in particular.

"You don't stop _doing _stuff just because it gets cold, Rin-chan," Nagisa points out. "When are Haru-chan and Mako-chan getting here?"

"In a bit," Rin says, checking his phone quickly to see if he's received a text. He stuffs it back in his pocket with added emphasis, nothing new in his inbox. "God dammit." he snaps bitterly, "They're probably fucking."

"They probably are." Nagisa agrees with a serious head-nod.

"_You two_-!" Rei blurts, face going pink.

Nagisa rubs his back comfortingly. "Poor Rei-chan," he says with a giggle, "Haru-chan and Mako-chan are almost eighteen now! It's only normal to-"

"I know it's perfectly normal!" Rei wails, covering his face. "We just don't need to speak of it so brashly! What if they spoke of _us _the same way?"

Rin laughs. "They'd be too afraid to, you might _sense _it and have a freak out, like you're doing right now," he teases.

Rei sighs heavily. "Let's just… Walk around for a bit before they get here. Check out some of the shops, maybe?"

"Ooh! I saw a massage parlor on my way here, it's just around the corner!" Nagisa chirps, pointing the way. "Wouldn't that be just _awesome _to get a rub down right after a tournament, or something?"

"That doesn't sound half bad, but we can't kill time at a massage parlor. Maybe something a little more _normal_." Rin points out.

Rei smiles. "How about there?" He gestures to a small charm shop in the other direction, and Nagisa claps his hands together.

"Yeah! They have tons of cute stuff!"

Rin groans and trudges after Nagisa, who is literally skipping. "Those two assholes better get here _soon_. I'm hungry, and I've had enough of the damn cold."

"Stop complaining," Rei chuckles. "you're reminding me of Makoto-sempai's siblings."

"Are you comparing me to a damn twelve-year old?" Rin snaps dangerously.

Rei pushes up his glasses, a confident grin pulling at his lips. "Prove me wrong and stand in the cold while Nagisa-kun shows you charms without complaining _once_," he challenges, and Rin's face screws up in determined resolve.

"Fine!" he announces, and hurries after Nagisa, who is already looking avidly at the charm displays on the sidewalk. "Nagisa! Show me some fucking charms!" Rin demands.

"Yaaaay!" Nagisa exclaims in joy, and Rei can't stop himself from laughing.

.

.

.

**Author's Notes:**

More butterbuddies!

There just isn't enough of them out there so I'm just going to continue to write whatever awkwardly adorable crap comes into my brain for these two. I've never written a fic without a clear goal in mind, but this one is literally going to be as 'slice of life' as it gets, so I hope you guys don't mind. :3


	3. Chapter 3

Rei was in the process of texting Nagisa in a state of half-asleep stupor when his phone rings in his hand, startling him awake. It took him several seconds to realize who was calling, and another couple of seconds to gather the semblance of mind to answer.

"Ah- Hello, Rin-san?"

"Hey," Rin sounds restless, pacing, and there's some mild disturbance from his end that sounds a lot like city streets. "Did I wake you? It's pretty early still, right?"

Rei doesn't agree that 10:32pm is early, but it's certainly better than 4am. It seems Rin did him a favor, anyway, since he was dozing off in his around-the-house clothes, and he still has papers scattered and books open on his coffee table. He hates waking up to uncleanliness.

"I wasn't asleep," Rei says, which is technically the truth. He realizes he hadn't sent his text to Nagisa, but that can wait. "What's going on? Why does it sound like you're outside?"

"Yeah, uhh," Rin's voice is far-away. He sounds worked up, out of breath, and Rei is starting to get worried. "Would you mind…" Rin trails off and groans impatiently. "_Fuck_, can I come over?" he finishes. "I… Need to talk about shit."

"Come over? Now?" Rei looks over the state of his room, which is probably perfectly acceptable to anyone else, but he distinctly feels like it looks like a storm has blown through. "Are you sure you want to come all the way over here this late?"

There is an almost uncomfortable silence from the other end, and if it weren't for the continuous stream of noisy cars whirring past, Rei might have thought that Rin had hung up.

"I'm already here, actually." Rin says, and Rei sits, stunned, before nearly dropping the phone in his haste to go throw open his front door.

He tumbles onto the apartment's balcony, looking both directions. He's pressing the phone so tight against his ear it almost hurts, and as soon as he realizes this he relaxes his grip. "Rin-san, where…?"

"Here," Rin's voice is coming from the right, and he's climbing up the third floor stairs, slipping his phone back into his pocket. He's panting, his eyes are downcast, and he's not dressed properly for the cold weather. This would have been first on Rei's list of Things to Address, but right now he's more worried about Rin's mental state than the physical. It _is _really cold outside, though, and he's starting to feel the chill as he had just burst out of his apartment in a summer v-neck and shorts.

"Quick, get inside," Rei says seriously, and Rin allows himself to be ushered into the apartment, his eyes not once raising from the ground in front of his feet.

Once inside, Rin mechanically removes his running shoes and shoves his hands into his pockets. "Sorry for the trouble."

"No, it's no trouble… Really," Rei asserts. He's looking Rin over as subtly as he can, trying to assess how long Rin had been out in the cold by the flush on his cheeks and the pale tint to his lips. "Rin-san, what are you _doing _here? How did you get here?"

If he looks hard enough, Rin is trembling, and although it's very likely nothing more than a natural reaction to the cold, Rei isn't so sure.

Rin walks past Rei, hovering by the kitchen door in an attempt to avoid eye-contact. Rei feels nervous, unsure of what he can really do other than try and lend an ear, which is seeming to be a difficult prospect if Rin refuses to say anything.

"Hot tea!" Rei suddenly exclaims, but Rin barely budges in reply. "How about I make us some tea?"

"You don't have to go to any trouble-"

"I want some too, so it's no trouble," Rei says, and strides past Rin into the kitchen, aware that Rin is following him sluggishly. As he goes about getting the pot and water ready, he glances at Rin who is pacing the floor idly, reminding Rei of those big cats you see in cages at the zoo.

"Uh. So, Rin-san. What-"

"I kissed Ai." Rin blurts out, staring wide-eyed at the floor as if his own words surprised him. Rei isn't certain how to respond, so he opens his mouth and then promptly shuts it.

"I fucking kissed him!" Rin continues, raking his hands through his mussed hair and pulling it back. "I don't know what happened, I wasn't even _thinking _of anything like that, but I still… I…"

Rin looks dangerously close to breaking down, which alarms Rei enough to walk over to Rin and grab his shoulder, guiding him gently to a chair at the small kitchen table.

"Relax, Rin-san, deep breaths-"

"I can't relax!" Rin exclaims, a laugh-sob catching in his throat. He flushes in embarrassment. "I can't fucking relax. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped, but Ai was _looking _at me like… Like…"

"Hold on, hold on…" Rei walks around to the other end of the table, pressing a finger thoughtfully to his temple. "I'm sorry, but, weren't you and Ai… Already…?"

Rin stares at Rei with such a clueless expression that Rei might have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious.

"_Wha-_ No! You thought we were _together_?"

"Well," Rei starts embarrassingly, "I had always sort of assumed-"

"Jesus fucking Christ, you thought we were a thing?" Rin plants his forehead on the table. "I can't fucking believe this."

"I'm sorry," Rei offers.

Rin shakes his head, takes a deep breath and then stands up, resuming his pacing although now his gait is a little less manic. "I liked him, I guess. I don't know, I didn't really think about it until tonight. Not like _that_, anyway."

Rei made a mental note to lecture Nagisa at length about the dangers of Stating Things as Factual Before Confirming Them in the near future. Even without Nagisa's word, however, Rei has seen Rin and Aiichirou together plenty of times and had always assumed by their behavior that they were an item. He had just thought that Rin didn't like talking about it in detail.

"If you like him, then what's the problem?" Rei asks carefully.

Rin's face dusts a shade similar to his hair. He mumbles something, turning toward the wall to say it, and Rei strains to hear it to no avail.

"What?" Rei prompts.

Rin sucks in breath, turning to face Rei with an expression that's hard to read. "I'm not gay!" he practically yells, hands balled into fists.

Rei stares at him, mouth open and slack. "O-oh."

"Yeah."

"My."

"_Yeah_." Rin turns back to the wall, smacking his head against it with a dull _thump _and then staying there. "You see why I'm sort of freaking out?"

"Rin-san, I didn't… I mean, are you _sure-_"

"I like women." Rin says with a long, shaky sigh. "I like women, I always have. I've never thought of a guy that way before." He turns his head to glance at Rei apologetically. "And it's not like I don't approve of being gay, obviously. So… I didn't mean to say it like that."

"I understand," Rei says hastily.

The water has been boiling for close to a minute, and when Rei realizes, he quickly lowers the heat and begins preparing the tea. Behind him, Rin moves away from the wall and resumes sitting at the kitchen table, silent as the dead.

Rei utilizes the silence to mull over what he's learned and try and figure out the best way to approach. He grabs a couple of mugs and carefully pours the tea, returning to the table and stealing the seat across from Rin, pushing a steaming mug his way.

"Thanks," Rin says, his voice deflated.

Rei places his tea mug off to the side, ignoring it for the moment. "Where are you on the scale?"

Rin takes in a massive breath, his chest swelling tight against his running jacket. He lets it out with painful slowness. "Something higher than ten, I'm pretty sure. Completely off the scale. _Fuck _the scale."

"Rin-san…"

"Why did I have to go and do that?" Rin says, resting his forehead against the palm of his hand. He looks very near tears, and Rei is willing to bet that he's doing everything he can to hold them in. Rei wishes he could convince Rin to let them out. If Makoto were here, he was certain that he would know how to get Rin to open up more. "Why did I have to fuck everything up like that? He's been such a good friend to me, so why…?"

"Why are you so sure that this has ruined your friendship?" Rei asks seriously. "Have you thought that maybe Ai-kun likes you in the same way?"

"You didn't see the way he looked at me," Rin moans. "He was fucking terrified."

"Okay," Rei says with some authority, "Tell me everything that happened. Start at the beginning."

Rin sighs and leans back in his chair, rolling his head back.

"We were practicing late. Everyone else had gotten out of the pool and had already headed to the lockers, but me and Ai stayed behind because Ai was working on his 50mm breaststroke and he was trying to break 28 seconds. We gave it one more go, and he nailed it. 26 seconds, personal best for him." Rin leans forward and rests his head in his arms. "I don't fucking know what happened after that. I went to pull him out of the pool, and when I pulled him up…" he shakes his head, groaning. "He was out of breath and smiling, he just looked so damned adorable, and it just kind of happened. I pulled away, I _think _I apologized, I don't really remember, because he was seriously staring at me like I'd just punched his grandmother. I didn't know what to do so I high-tailed it to the lockers, got my shit together and left. I couldn't go back to my room for obvious reasons, so I just started running."

Rei blanches. "You _ran _all the way here? In this cold?"

"Don't even _think _about reprimanding me. I feel shitty enough as it is." Rin says miserably.

"Is it possible that Ai-kun was just surprised?" Rei asks.

Rin laughs humorlessly. "He wasn't the only one." Rin fists his hands in his hair and plants his elbows on the table. "_How_ could I have kissed a dude if I'm not even gay? I seriously can't…" He heaves another massive sigh, his arms betraying him by displaying the slightest of tremors.

Rei fingers the handle of his mug, brow furrowed in concentration. Finally, he clears his throat. "Sexuality isn't exactly a straight-and-narrow path, Rin-san," he points out. "I can't exactly say that I'm homosexual either."

Rin peeks up, eyes finding Rei's through a mess of wild crimson hair. "How do you mean?"

"Well, before meeting Nagisa-kun, I considered myself asexual. Perhaps I still do, to an extent, because Nagisa-kun is the only person I've ever known that elicited any sort of a…" he flushes, swallowing an embarrassed lump in his throat, "_reaction_ in me. I researched it extensively, and my conclusion is that there is a ninety-four percent chance that I am demisexual."

"What the hell is that?" Rin asks moodily, but he seems to have snapped out of his previous state of hopelessness.

"It's much like asexuality, except demisexuals are usually only interested in a partner with whom they develop a strong emotional connection. But mostly, I am drawn to beauty. Both male and female beauty appeals to me, but Nagisa-kun is the one that seemed to shine the brightest. He changed that part of me."

Rin raises a brow, a smile pulling at his lips for the first time since he entered the apartment. "Talking about it awfully openly now, aren't we."

"The situation called for it. If it can be of help to you, I don't mind talking about it."

His smile melts away and Rin lowers his gaze to the steam rising from the previously ignored mug of tea. "Okay, so I don't have to be strictly into dudes to like Ai, is that what you're saying?"

"You're the only one that can answer that, Rin-san." Rei points out.

Rin stares hard at the tea mug, almost like he's hoping the answers will appear in the steam. "That isn't my biggest problem, anyway," he says. "How do I go back there and face him? We share a damn room together, it isn't like I can just avoid him for a few days and wait for things to cool down."

"You don't even know how he feels yet," Rei says. "You assumed he rejected you before you even got a chance to hear it from him. It sounds to me like he was surprised, nothing more."

"Okay then," Rin reasons, "how was Nagisa the first time you kissed him? Was _he _surprised?"

"Technically, he kissed me first," Rei says, fumbling with his tea mug distractedly. "And I was more than surprised, I was horrified. I didn't know how to react, because I hadn't looked into the theory of kissing yet, and I had never had the opportunity to practice, either."

"Oh my fucking god," Rin states in wonder, "I can't believe you're for real sometimes."

"_My point is_," Rei huffs, "Nagisa-kun knew me well enough to know that I might react in such a way, and things were able to move smoothly. You know Ai-kun, how do you think he would react to someone kissing him without any warning?"

Rin thinks about it, actually thinks, and his expression softens. "Okay. So what the fuck do I do? _Talk _to him about it? _Hey Ai, remember how I kissed you and then left you for dead by the side of the pool? Wanna go out sometime?_ I'm not so sure I set myself up for success, there."

"It's a starting point," Rei muses. "I think Ai-kun will be willing to hear you out no matter what you say."

Rin leans back in his chair, tapping his knuckles methodically against the table top. "Right. Well, I don't really have a choice. What's the worst that can happen? He'll reject me, right?"

"Even if he does," Rei says pointedly, "I don't think that Ai-kun is the type of person to push someone away because of something like that."

"I'm more worried about _me _doing the pushing," Rin admits. "I think I like him a lot more than I thought I did. If he rejects me, I'm not sure I can just make those feelings go away."

Rei isn't sure how to respond. Trying to illustrate all of the positives in the event that Aiichirou doesn't reciprocate Rin's feelings seems hypocritical. If Nagisa had rejected Rei's confession, Rei was certain that it would have killed a large part of him. Although he would have done anything to hang onto their friendship, he knows that being so close to Nagisa without being able to have his affections returned would have poisoned him.

Instead, Rei has a wild idea that is so spontaneous it nearly makes him choke on his words. "Let's watch a movie!" he chimes. He wonders if in thinking about Nagisa he had accidentally channeled him. It seemed like a very Nagisa-brand of suggestion.

"A movie?" Rin says skeptically.

"Before you leave, we could watch something. It might take your mind off of everything?" Rei isn't sure who is talking anymore, but the words keep coming.

Rin thinks it over, and then shrugs. "Sure, why the hell not. If you're up for it. Captain is gonna be pissed as hell when I get back anyway, so I may as well put off the scolding."

"Oh, wait," Rei realizes his error with a sinking abruptness, "I don't have a TV."

Rin stands up, taking his mug with him. He clicks his tongue. "You have a laptop, don't you? We'll just find a movie to watch on this site I go to all the time."

Rei gasps and levels Rin an accusatory look, but follows him out of the kitchen anyway. "Watch a movie _illegally_?"

"Yep. Let's find something really fucking scary. Nothing takes my mind off of everything like shitting my pants in terror," Rin laughs. He rolls his eyes when he notices that Rei is still glaring. "Oh, come on. Make an exception for my shitty day."

Rei relaxes and sighs relentingly. He opens the door to his room and pulls his laptop from under some of his notebooks, handing it to Rin. "Don't get any viruses on there, or I'll never forgive you."

"Yeah, yeah," Rin says as he sits down on the bed, balancing the laptop on his lap as he busily types out a URL. Rei stands with his arms crossed, a question burning on his tongue.

"Rin-san," Rei starts, and Rin distractedly hums a reply. "Why did you come here?"

Rin stops typing, eyes still fixed on the screen. Rei immediately feels like he's said something wrong, and works to rectify his words. "I don't mean that I'm sorry that you did, I'm happy to help you whenever I can… I just can't help but think how much closer you are to Haruka-sempai, Makoto-sempai and Nagisa-kun. Any one of them would drop everything to help you, and I know that Haruka-sempai and Makoto-sempai live farther away but still…" he trails off awkwardly, hoping he hasn't said too much.

Rin half-closes the laptop. His eyes are fixed on his hands, and Rei can't tell exactly what he's feeling by looking at his face.

"I just ran, I don't know. I ended up here, I wasn't really thinking about it." Rin admits. "It's like the last time I called you, when I was… You know. I just picked up the phone and dialed, and it was you. Maybe I feel like you accept me in a different way, or something. I don't know." He looks up finally to meet Rei's eyes, and Rei isn't sure what to say. "Weird, right?"

Rei shakes his head. "I don't really think it's that strange." he says. He clears his throat and straightens his back. "I'm glad I can be of help, Rin-san. I'll continue to support you."

Rin laughs. "You're getting all sappy on me, again."

"But, _you-_!" Rei blurts indignantly, but Rin is already waving his argument elsewhere and turning the laptop screen around to face him.

"Ooooh _shit _yes, how about we watch this one?" he says in excitement. The movie appears to be American, and the thumbnail shows a massive tornado brimming with- _are those sharks?_- tearing through a city, a ferris wheel crashing to the ground as the rest of the city is left in shambles. "_Sharknado_!"

"Rin-san, _no_." Rei pleads.

.

.

**Author's Notes:**

Okay, this chapter is a little head-canon heavy. ^/^

I like the idea of Rei being asexual, because it just really seems to fit his personality. I myself am demisexual, so I feel I can relate to Rei a little, and it just sort of makes sense for him?

I'm also assuming, based on what most people have deduced, that Rei lives alone, so thankfully there's no one to disturb while all of this is going on.

I think the next chapter is going to have a lot of bro-support for Rin taking these first steps with Nitori. I hope you guys are continuing to enjoy this pointless fluffy fic, your comments and kind words are a real motivator!


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